Nervous wreck

I am a nervous wreck today. I have my yearly review at my job in 3 hours. I do not do well in these kind of environments. I hate having all the focus be on me. My pseudo-boss will be present as well as my actual boss. My pseudo-boss is the site lead who has no actual authority over me but he is very tight with my actual boss so he has a lot of power. I do not think he likes me very much. I can only suspect that it is due to the fact that I do not golf. He is a big golfer and will skip work in order to golf. Don't ask me how he works that out, he seems to be able to do a lot of things I don't understand. When I first started there we talked about golf a little on my first day and I thought things were going great until I mentioned that my handicap was getting the ball through the windmill. He seemed to change direction with me from that point on.

My pseudo-boss does not show up for anyone else's review and when he showed up for my review last year he completely threw me under the bus. He brought up all kinds of things that I was doing wrong that he never mentioned to me in the whole year prior. I disclosed that I had Aspergers at the end of that meeting and I thought my pseudo-boss lightened up and showed an interest in learning how to work with me, but that was fleeting. Granted, it is a lot to take in if you aren't already vested into my world.

I can't think of anything that he may be having an issue with em about except that I have been late on a few occasions, but those were always justified. My schedule has been switched all over the place this past year and I have been gracious and patient in trying to do what is best for the company but you gotta understand I do not do well with changes at all. This year has been one of the biggest stretches for me in regards to my Aspergers. In fact I have just realized that this year will be 3 years with this company. I have not worked anywhere longer than 2 1/2 years in my entire life. Maybe that is why I am so nervous about today. Yes I am afraid of being fired. I am probably being irrational but I have a hard time understanding the corporate world. It is a cold, hard place where the weak are left to die. I don't know if Aspergers is classified as a disability but I gotta tell you, I sure to feel incapable of living life. If it wasn't for my wife, who buffers so much of the world for me, I don't know how I would have survived this long.

When I lost me last job, it was two weeks after my Mom died. My Dad died this past year and the pattern suggests that this day will not end well. My previous job was in the same industry, with a very similar pseudo-boss who did not take a liking to me and also harped on the occasional tardiness. Okay, I can admit that I am not a prompt person. I don't know how to just shut off home life and coldly switch to work mode without casualties. I don't typically make that switch graciously. I am a good worker. I am good at trouble shooting. I think it is because I notice things that NT's don't normally notice. On the other hand, I also miss things that should be common sense. ugh, this is not helping me.

My Pastor sent this to me last night. "The king's heart is in the hand of the LORD, as the rivers of water: he turneth it wheresoever he will. (Prov. 21:1)"

I need to trust Him. I need to relax and trust that God will put the right words into my mouth. I need to be wise. I need to take the vitamins that help. I need pray. I need to get into the shower because I need to leave in half an hour.