I'm not fired.
The issue of tardiness came up again and apparently the perception is that there has been no improvement in this area. I know that I have improved greatly because I made changes to my homelife and I watch the clock carefully while I am on the road. I pointed out to my boss that I am not the only one among us 6 who take liberties with the start time.
Let me explain something here; As an Asperger, I have a very strong sense of justice and making sure that all things are equal for everyone. It is something that grabs me so strongly that I can be in the wrong about it. I am reminded of my Asperger son who could not stand to lose a game when he was very young. He would cry foul immediately and ruin the experience for not only the winner, but for all participants. He has out grown this but I know that ill-applied sense of justice is still a struggle that he is admirably fighting. I struggle with the same thing. In my case I have trouble seeing others around me experience liberties that should be available to all if they are available to them, unless there is a clear reason to me why they are exempt from the standard I am held to. When s police car speeds by me with lights flashing, I clearly understand that he is held to a different standard than I am with regards to the speed limit. When I see my fellow workers taking liberties (including my pseudo-boss) I struggle with the idea that I cannot relax on my start time. And let me also be clear here that we are talking under 5 minutes, if it happens at all. This isn't me coming in 15 minutes late here.
Ok, having said that I do understand that I am to work as unto the Lord and that is a higher standard that I AM held to that my fellow workers are not held to. I should have compassion that they are not held to that standard for that means they also do not share in the giver of that standard.
I will endeavor to get to work on time without fail but this is an area that is a huge struggle for me that I need to really be on my knees about. I know the kneejerk reaction is to say "just do it. What's the big deal?" I wish I could come up with an answer to that. If I knew why this is such a struggle for me, I suspect I could easily remedy it. This is a frequency of about 4-5 times a month by my estimation but I am learning not to trust my estimations.
The second thing that was brought up was a big surprise to me. Apparently my troubleshooting skills "scare" my pseudo-boss. He actually used the word scare. He brought up an example of a time when I had to press a bearing onto a shaft. I remarked that I didn't think it was going to fit on properly and suggested we look at the shaft to see if there was something wrong with it. After looking at it again it was clear that it would indeed fit on correctly. This was the example that scared him. My thinking is that I am only guilty of talking out loud while I troubleshoot. It's not like I wouldn't have come to the same conclusion on my own. He has said often that my troubleshooting scares him and he also says that he has heard the same thing from some of my fellow workers.
This is the part that blows me away. I can only assume that I have been blinded by my Aspergers into thinking more of myself than I was due. I have been fixing my own cars since I was in high school, I have an alphabet worth of certifications after my name for computers, I enjoy troubleshooting. Some days I am the hero, some days I am the zero. That's just the way I thought it always goes. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I am just not good at this either. But if that is the case then where does that leave me? I have grown to distrust my own thoughts because my Aspergers always makes them suspect to a false bias.
I grew up with a devoted mother who always told me that I was going to do something amazing one day. I believe she said this uniquely to me out of my siblings. I don't think it was just one of those motherly things that they say. She really believed that I was going to do something amazing someday. She also commented often about how smart I was and in fact I did get tested when I was in junior high and in the area of comprehension I tested at genius level. I am actually a certified genius. I say that tongue in cheek but it speaks to the way I thought about myself growing up. I didn't have an inflated ego about it, it was just a matter of fact to me. So in light of that I am having a hard time understanding how i could have fallen so far from that place. I have based everything I ever planned in life as a career on the basis that it would be an intellectual venture. Now I can't even trust my own mind. My Mom was wrong. I am not extraordinary. I am merely unique...just like everybody else.
If I am really not a good troubleshooter then what is left for me? I have easily had 4 dozen jobs in my life. I have still to find a good fit for me. When a man's work is his identity, where does this leave me? I still don't know who I am. I am 41 years old and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I am not dissatisfied with my job. I am just apparently not very good at it.
I am growing weary of my Aspergers. I hate this struggle. I resent having to work so hard just to understand the world around me. I see everyone else interacting like they have been doing it all their lives and I think it is unequal. The cry for equality and justice screams inside me. I want to understand facial expressions too. I want to know sarcasm from honesty too. I want to know which emotion goes with what feeling too. It isn't fair. I want to cry out "Oh wretched man that I am. Why have you made me thus?".
But I already know the answer to that one. God's response was pretty thorough in Job. So I accept that this is who I am, and I accept that this is intended to glorify God somehow. I feel so broken right now.
Lord use my weakness
The midnight shift is here to relieve me now....3 minutes late
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