A lesson from Helen Keller

When Helen Keller was young she had no apparent means of communication. She could not hear and she could not see. I imagine the world was a big confusing place for her. She was prone to outbursts and very erratic behavior. I often wonder if she was lashing out because she misinterpreted what the world around her was saying to her. She eventually found someone who was willing to find a way to communicate with her despite Helen's very physical handicaps. The situation was unique. The normal methods of communication to the deaf and blind could not be used here as Helen suffered from both conditions. Her teacher devised a method of using sign language while having Helen feel the shape of her teacher's hands. It took many trials and a lot of patience before Helen finally caught on in a moment of epiphany.

I keep waiting for my moment of epiphany. I am not blind or deaf like Helen was but I do have a big communication problem. The world feels like a big scary place to me and I do not know how to communicate with those around me. I lash out in anger because I misunderstand what is being communicated to me. I tend to assume that people think the worst of me and how can I blame them? I come across as arrogant, rude, unsympathetic, selfish, and a myriad of other undesirable traits. It is not on purpose. It almost always catches me by surprise when it happens. It often goes something like this.

I enter a conversation innocently enough and offer my input on whatever the topic may be. I somehow say something that comes across as socially unacceptable. I will most likely have no clue what just happened and why the other person is suddenly enraged. I have learned to recognize that facial expression, I see it often enough. I may either catch on quickly and diffuse the situation by explaining myself more appropriately, or, more often, I do not recognize that the person is mad at me until a little while later in the conversation when they have given in to sarcasm and spite. At this point it looks like they have become offensive out of the blue and I too often return in anger.

I suspect that Helen Keller lashed out so often out of sheer frustration over her own lack of ability to properly express herself. I may be so quick to anger at these scenarios because they happen far too often and I am really lashing out at myself for my inability to express myself properly. Most days the frustration of not being understood is so overwhelming that I am content to become a hermit and live my days out in isolation. Let me explain that better...

I hate the idea of hurting anybody. My heart is so sensitive to it that I bend over backwards to make sure I say things in just the right manner. In writing I will often make several drafts before I am content to send my thoughts along. The more sensitive the subject, the more I sit on it until I am sure that any offense comes only from the subject matter and not from me. Some topics will hurt no matter how kindly you say it. I am not very good at speaking one on one. I can't keep track of the conversation in real time. I will normally stay silent because I need time to digest what is being said, even with the simplest of conversations. If I am required to respond in the conversation, that is when I usually get myself into trouble. I can only seem to keep track of small segments at a time. It is much more difficult if the specific topic changes throughout the conversation.

So I often respond poorly, or rudely, or insensitively, or any number of ways that do not come across well. I have been the source of some real hurt far too many times. I hate that I hurt people with my words. I hate that I cant trust myself to know what is going on in the conversation all the time. I get confused easily. I don't trust my feelings. I don't trust my opinions. I certainly don't trust my words. then all too often I lash out in anger because I just don't know what else to do. The conversation needs to end before I cause any further damage. Don't you understand? I am stopping the conversation for your own protection. I am a monster. I want to hide away like a hermit because I don't want to hurt anyone else with my reckless attempts to communicate with a world I don't understand.

Don't get me wrong here, I am not referring to any physical abuse here, but verbally I feel like the Hulk in a china shop. When I am at my end I tend to get spiteful and sarcastic with my words. I don't easily tap into my emotions so that is the way I have grown accustomed to retorting. I am now recognizing this pattern. It is not Godly. I am understanding now that it does not contribute to my desire to communicate effectively.

So I begin another uphill climb and I make some more baby steps towards learning how to express my words in conjunction with my thoughts. I think in pictures. A picture is worth a thousand words. I don't have that kind of time to describe what I am seeing in my head in the midst of a conversation.

I am so glad that God sees the heart. I would be hopeless if I could not communicate myself to Him. I am grateful that I do have someone to pour out my pain and frustration to who understands me right where I am. I look forward to the day when I will understand as I am understood. Even so Lord Jesus, come quickly.