These are all good things to do. I am supposed to be doing these things and I did them gladly. The frustrating reality though is that all these things take a toll on me. My Aspergers kicks against all the mental giving and the lack of personal time not being taken for myself.
Today is the weekend, this is the time when my family gets to see me because my work schedule keeps me too busy during the week. I look forward to this day every week. I miss my family. Thats why I am frustrated that I am feeling so needy today. I need my downtime. I need to stop putting on the face, I need to stop playing the chess game, I need to check out for a while. I need to get out of the NT world for a little while.
That is my flesh crying out. I shared what I was feeling with my wife because I needed her to understand before I said or did something stupid that I would regret. Not on purpose of course, but it seems almost inevitable with Aspergers that something is going to go wrong while interacting with others, especially when I am not feeling very well charged up.
I went to my room to read Psalm 25. In the midst of reading I began to question my role as a Christian living with Aspergers. Since the day I discovered my Aspergers I have never felt that it gave me special exemption from what God has called me to be as a husband and father. Many of us have formidable challenges in our flesh that must be overcome through faith. I began wondering today though if my thinking thus far has been incorrect about how I manage my Aspergers.
So far my wife and I have worked out a system of recognition where I am expected to give where and when I can but with the expectation that I will receive downtime in accordance with my need. Sometimes this cannot happen practically because life just gets in the way. I try to be very understanding of this and it has helped to stretch my muscles and learn how to give out of God's strength and not on my own. I still face many days where engaging in normalcy is too much to handle. As long as I am able to recognize where I am (which is often a struggle by itself) and I am able to tell my wife where I am at (sometimes another struggle because of my Asperger communication issues) then she is always understanding and willing to accommodate me.
That has been the norm so far. Today I am questioning if that is the right way to handle things. If I was missing an arm or had some other kind of physical deformity then I would be expected to take my lack to God and work with what he has given me otherwise. The line of what is mine to handle and what is God's seems easier when the challenge is physical. I would not be expected to waste my life moping about how I cannot do certain things because I am missing an arm, for instance. That would be what is mine to handle. God's part to handle is to give me strength or help at those times when my physical condition keeps me from doing what I am called to do.
It is harder to find that line when the condition is more of a brain issue. We have been given a new nature as Christians. We reside in a sinful flesh but our hearts have been given over to God. Aspergers is a condition of the flesh. I will not be an Asperger when I get to heaven. So in light of that, where does one draw the line between caring for a brain issue by recharging, and giving into hedonism. I think that is a real danger for the Aspie.
Recharging time means that I have permission to completely be an Aspie off by myself where I don't have to worry about social customs and guessing facial expressions. I don't have to engage in conversation and worry about how I am coming across or if I am misunderstanding what is being said. Recharge time is where I get to just be me without having to work. I can put my brain into automatic and just let life happen for awhile. This is a need. It is a reality for me.
Hedonism is when I seek all comforts and I get this picture in my head that it should be declared a holiday in my name because this is time that is due me. I have an expectation that my wife will handle everything and allow me this recharge time because I cannot cope without it. Any interruption becomes a sign of disrespect for my need. and an affirmation that she truly does not care about me.
It is easy to see how the latter attitude is sinful. How I handle this challenge to my fleshly nature is really the difference between being a Godly Aspie and being a slave to my flesh.
God help me to depend on your strength when my flesh cries out for attention.
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