I love you more

I love playing a game with my 7 year old. Games are best when they just seem to develop naturally without having to make them up. The idea is to outdo the other in describing and proving that we love the other more. He will say"I love you daddy". I retort with "I love you, more". To which he will come up with some extravagant description of exactly how big his love is for me. I have found that I can always trump him with "I love you, more". I am amused that he still tries to out trump me with even more extravagant descriptions involving compound infinities, distances of great time and space, heights unbelievable and depths that cannot be fathomed. In his mind it is still possible to out love me if he just exerts enough effort.

I think about how I am so much like this in my attitude towards God. I am sure that if I express myself to God in a certain way that I will have earned his attention. I think that if I am sorrowful enough for my sin, grateful enough for his grace, obedient enough to his command, diligent enough in my devotions, faithful enough in giving, then I will have proven my love and devotion to Him. Just when I think I have reached that point, Jesus stretches out His hands on the cross and says "I love you, More"

Trumped again.

A lesson from Helen Keller

When Helen Keller was young she had no apparent means of communication. She could not hear and she could not see. I imagine the world was a big confusing place for her. She was prone to outbursts and very erratic behavior. I often wonder if she was lashing out because she misinterpreted what the world around her was saying to her. She eventually found someone who was willing to find a way to communicate with her despite Helen's very physical handicaps. The situation was unique. The normal methods of communication to the deaf and blind could not be used here as Helen suffered from both conditions. Her teacher devised a method of using sign language while having Helen feel the shape of her teacher's hands. It took many trials and a lot of patience before Helen finally caught on in a moment of epiphany.

I keep waiting for my moment of epiphany. I am not blind or deaf like Helen was but I do have a big communication problem. The world feels like a big scary place to me and I do not know how to communicate with those around me. I lash out in anger because I misunderstand what is being communicated to me. I tend to assume that people think the worst of me and how can I blame them? I come across as arrogant, rude, unsympathetic, selfish, and a myriad of other undesirable traits. It is not on purpose. It almost always catches me by surprise when it happens. It often goes something like this.

I enter a conversation innocently enough and offer my input on whatever the topic may be. I somehow say something that comes across as socially unacceptable. I will most likely have no clue what just happened and why the other person is suddenly enraged. I have learned to recognize that facial expression, I see it often enough. I may either catch on quickly and diffuse the situation by explaining myself more appropriately, or, more often, I do not recognize that the person is mad at me until a little while later in the conversation when they have given in to sarcasm and spite. At this point it looks like they have become offensive out of the blue and I too often return in anger.

I suspect that Helen Keller lashed out so often out of sheer frustration over her own lack of ability to properly express herself. I may be so quick to anger at these scenarios because they happen far too often and I am really lashing out at myself for my inability to express myself properly. Most days the frustration of not being understood is so overwhelming that I am content to become a hermit and live my days out in isolation. Let me explain that better...

I hate the idea of hurting anybody. My heart is so sensitive to it that I bend over backwards to make sure I say things in just the right manner. In writing I will often make several drafts before I am content to send my thoughts along. The more sensitive the subject, the more I sit on it until I am sure that any offense comes only from the subject matter and not from me. Some topics will hurt no matter how kindly you say it. I am not very good at speaking one on one. I can't keep track of the conversation in real time. I will normally stay silent because I need time to digest what is being said, even with the simplest of conversations. If I am required to respond in the conversation, that is when I usually get myself into trouble. I can only seem to keep track of small segments at a time. It is much more difficult if the specific topic changes throughout the conversation.

So I often respond poorly, or rudely, or insensitively, or any number of ways that do not come across well. I have been the source of some real hurt far too many times. I hate that I hurt people with my words. I hate that I cant trust myself to know what is going on in the conversation all the time. I get confused easily. I don't trust my feelings. I don't trust my opinions. I certainly don't trust my words. then all too often I lash out in anger because I just don't know what else to do. The conversation needs to end before I cause any further damage. Don't you understand? I am stopping the conversation for your own protection. I am a monster. I want to hide away like a hermit because I don't want to hurt anyone else with my reckless attempts to communicate with a world I don't understand.

Don't get me wrong here, I am not referring to any physical abuse here, but verbally I feel like the Hulk in a china shop. When I am at my end I tend to get spiteful and sarcastic with my words. I don't easily tap into my emotions so that is the way I have grown accustomed to retorting. I am now recognizing this pattern. It is not Godly. I am understanding now that it does not contribute to my desire to communicate effectively.

So I begin another uphill climb and I make some more baby steps towards learning how to express my words in conjunction with my thoughts. I think in pictures. A picture is worth a thousand words. I don't have that kind of time to describe what I am seeing in my head in the midst of a conversation.

I am so glad that God sees the heart. I would be hopeless if I could not communicate myself to Him. I am grateful that I do have someone to pour out my pain and frustration to who understands me right where I am. I look forward to the day when I will understand as I am understood. Even so Lord Jesus, come quickly.

Emphatic empathy

I have been trying to figure out how much my Aspergers plays into my trouble at work. My problem with my boss(es) is not unusual for me. I have come across this same scenario at other jobs. It seems improbable that I have gravitated to positions that are headed up by people who take an immediate disliking to me. It seems more reasonable to me that I am setting these people off somehow.

The one thought that crosses my mind is that I am not very empathetic. My lack of ability to read body language or facial expressions makes it very hard for me to understand and reciprocate proper emotions. What this means in real life is that I tend to sift through the emotion being displayed while I am being talked to and I focus on the message being relayed. If I am being reprimanded, it is possible that my apparent lack of contrition may be offending my boss. It isn't that I don't respect the emotional stress I have placed on them, it's just that I can't appreciate it. Anyone who knows me knows that I have a high respect for authority. I will follow my boss's direction so long as I clearly understand it. A display of emotion just gets in the way of me clearly understanding the message. I tend to just ignore that part of the information because I do not know what to do with it. I think I come across as cold hearted.

This has certainly been a stress point in my marriage. My wife, understandably, needs that expression of emotion. I do express emotion. I can have empathy but the method of understanding is different to me. I don't have the benefit of body language to fill in the gaps of information for me. Even vocal tones and inflections are usually lost on me. I can recognize some things because I have had enough experience to know what they sound like, for instance, I usually know what irritation in the voice sounds like. I hear that often enough to recognize it.

I communicate through the computer much more effectively. I can even be empathetic more easily when I am being told something by written word. Communicating through IM or Email puts us all on equal ground. We are both lacking the benefit of body language in that case. Emoticons are still a scourge on the scene but I can deal with those More easily than face to face. I have actually had chats with my wife over the computer while in the very same room with her. It works better for us sometimes. Much of what I learn about emotion is learned by movies or by novels. I seem to be able to empathize with characters when the scenarios are well presented. Unfortunately, real life rarely looks like other media.

Emotions are really confusing to me. How can the very same words evict laughter at one time and sadness at another time? The delivery may even be exactly the same. There are so many aspects that come into play when it comes to knowing what emotion is appropriate at what time. I actually like emotions, I mean I like to watch them. I used to love sitting on a bench and just watch people. Emotions fascinate me. If I am not expected to reciprocate to emotions, I can find their expression quite interesting. It is the interaction with emotions that is challenging to me.

Aspies do have feelings. I do have emotions. I can be very empathetic if I really understand the situation. It takes a lot to get me to really understand though. I do think I am also gifted in being able to stick to the issue at heart and not get easily sidetracked by whim and emotions. This can be a good thing if you have the goal of understanding truth in mind. It apparently is not a useful talent though when the goal is to hear what is in the heart behind the words.

I am sure you NT's know what that means, I have no clue myself.

*NT = Neural Typical, in other words, all you normal people.

Nervous Wreck - The Aftermath

I'm not fired.



The issue of tardiness came up again and apparently the perception is that there has been no improvement in this area. I know that I have improved greatly because I made changes to my homelife and I watch the clock carefully while I am on the road. I pointed out to my boss that I am not the only one among us 6 who take liberties with the start time.

Let me explain something here; As an Asperger, I have a very strong sense of justice and making sure that all things are equal for everyone. It is something that grabs me so strongly that I can be in the wrong about it. I am reminded of my Asperger son who could not stand to lose a game when he was very young. He would cry foul immediately and ruin the experience for not only the winner, but for all participants. He has out grown this but I know that ill-applied sense of justice is still a struggle that he is admirably fighting. I struggle with the same thing. In my case I have trouble seeing others around me experience liberties that should be available to all if they are available to them, unless there is a clear reason to me why they are exempt from the standard I am held to. When s police car speeds by me with lights flashing, I clearly understand that he is held to a different standard than I am with regards to the speed limit. When I see my fellow workers taking liberties (including my pseudo-boss) I struggle with the idea that I cannot relax on my start time. And let me also be clear here that we are talking under 5 minutes, if it happens at all. This isn't me coming in 15 minutes late here.



Ok, having said that I do understand that I am to work as unto the Lord and that is a higher standard that I AM held to that my fellow workers are not held to. I should have compassion that they are not held to that standard for that means they also do not share in the giver of that standard.



I will endeavor to get to work on time without fail but this is an area that is a huge struggle for me that I need to really be on my knees about. I know the kneejerk reaction is to say "just do it. What's the big deal?" I wish I could come up with an answer to that. If I knew why this is such a struggle for me, I suspect I could easily remedy it. This is a frequency of about 4-5 times a month by my estimation but I am learning not to trust my estimations.



The second thing that was brought up was a big surprise to me. Apparently my troubleshooting skills "scare" my pseudo-boss. He actually used the word scare. He brought up an example of a time when I had to press a bearing onto a shaft. I remarked that I didn't think it was going to fit on properly and suggested we look at the shaft to see if there was something wrong with it. After looking at it again it was clear that it would indeed fit on correctly. This was the example that scared him. My thinking is that I am only guilty of talking out loud while I troubleshoot. It's not like I wouldn't have come to the same conclusion on my own. He has said often that my troubleshooting scares him and he also says that he has heard the same thing from some of my fellow workers.



This is the part that blows me away. I can only assume that I have been blinded by my Aspergers into thinking more of myself than I was due. I have been fixing my own cars since I was in high school, I have an alphabet worth of certifications after my name for computers, I enjoy troubleshooting. Some days I am the hero, some days I am the zero. That's just the way I thought it always goes. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I am just not good at this either. But if that is the case then where does that leave me? I have grown to distrust my own thoughts because my Aspergers always makes them suspect to a false bias.



I grew up with a devoted mother who always told me that I was going to do something amazing one day. I believe she said this uniquely to me out of my siblings. I don't think it was just one of those motherly things that they say. She really believed that I was going to do something amazing someday. She also commented often about how smart I was and in fact I did get tested when I was in junior high and in the area of comprehension I tested at genius level. I am actually a certified genius. I say that tongue in cheek but it speaks to the way I thought about myself growing up. I didn't have an inflated ego about it, it was just a matter of fact to me. So in light of that I am having a hard time understanding how i could have fallen so far from that place. I have based everything I ever planned in life as a career on the basis that it would be an intellectual venture. Now I can't even trust my own mind. My Mom was wrong. I am not extraordinary. I am merely unique...just like everybody else.



If I am really not a good troubleshooter then what is left for me? I have easily had 4 dozen jobs in my life. I have still to find a good fit for me. When a man's work is his identity, where does this leave me? I still don't know who I am. I am 41 years old and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I am not dissatisfied with my job. I am just apparently not very good at it.



I am growing weary of my Aspergers. I hate this struggle. I resent having to work so hard just to understand the world around me. I see everyone else interacting like they have been doing it all their lives and I think it is unequal. The cry for equality and justice screams inside me. I want to understand facial expressions too. I want to know sarcasm from honesty too. I want to know which emotion goes with what feeling too. It isn't fair. I want to cry out "Oh wretched man that I am. Why have you made me thus?".
But I already know the answer to that one. God's response was pretty thorough in Job. So I accept that this is who I am, and I accept that this is intended to glorify God somehow. I feel so broken right now.

Lord use my weakness

The midnight shift is here to relieve me now....3 minutes late

Nervous wreck

I am a nervous wreck today. I have my yearly review at my job in 3 hours. I do not do well in these kind of environments. I hate having all the focus be on me. My pseudo-boss will be present as well as my actual boss. My pseudo-boss is the site lead who has no actual authority over me but he is very tight with my actual boss so he has a lot of power. I do not think he likes me very much. I can only suspect that it is due to the fact that I do not golf. He is a big golfer and will skip work in order to golf. Don't ask me how he works that out, he seems to be able to do a lot of things I don't understand. When I first started there we talked about golf a little on my first day and I thought things were going great until I mentioned that my handicap was getting the ball through the windmill. He seemed to change direction with me from that point on.

My pseudo-boss does not show up for anyone else's review and when he showed up for my review last year he completely threw me under the bus. He brought up all kinds of things that I was doing wrong that he never mentioned to me in the whole year prior. I disclosed that I had Aspergers at the end of that meeting and I thought my pseudo-boss lightened up and showed an interest in learning how to work with me, but that was fleeting. Granted, it is a lot to take in if you aren't already vested into my world.

I can't think of anything that he may be having an issue with em about except that I have been late on a few occasions, but those were always justified. My schedule has been switched all over the place this past year and I have been gracious and patient in trying to do what is best for the company but you gotta understand I do not do well with changes at all. This year has been one of the biggest stretches for me in regards to my Aspergers. In fact I have just realized that this year will be 3 years with this company. I have not worked anywhere longer than 2 1/2 years in my entire life. Maybe that is why I am so nervous about today. Yes I am afraid of being fired. I am probably being irrational but I have a hard time understanding the corporate world. It is a cold, hard place where the weak are left to die. I don't know if Aspergers is classified as a disability but I gotta tell you, I sure to feel incapable of living life. If it wasn't for my wife, who buffers so much of the world for me, I don't know how I would have survived this long.

When I lost me last job, it was two weeks after my Mom died. My Dad died this past year and the pattern suggests that this day will not end well. My previous job was in the same industry, with a very similar pseudo-boss who did not take a liking to me and also harped on the occasional tardiness. Okay, I can admit that I am not a prompt person. I don't know how to just shut off home life and coldly switch to work mode without casualties. I don't typically make that switch graciously. I am a good worker. I am good at trouble shooting. I think it is because I notice things that NT's don't normally notice. On the other hand, I also miss things that should be common sense. ugh, this is not helping me.

My Pastor sent this to me last night. "The king's heart is in the hand of the LORD, as the rivers of water: he turneth it wheresoever he will. (Prov. 21:1)"

I need to trust Him. I need to relax and trust that God will put the right words into my mouth. I need to be wise. I need to take the vitamins that help. I need pray. I need to get into the shower because I need to leave in half an hour.

Struggling today

I have spent the last few weeks giving of myself, not getting enough sleep, working through a confrontational issue, going to 2 funerals, trying to be a good husband and a good father, trying to be a hard worker, etc...

These are all good things to do. I am supposed to be doing these things and I did them gladly. The frustrating reality though is that all these things take a toll on me. My Aspergers kicks against all the mental giving and the lack of personal time not being taken for myself.

Today is the weekend, this is the time when my family gets to see me because my work schedule keeps me too busy during the week. I look forward to this day every week. I miss my family. Thats why I am frustrated that I am feeling so needy today. I need my downtime. I need to stop putting on the face, I need to stop playing the chess game, I need to check out for a while. I need to get out of the NT world for a little while.

That is my flesh crying out. I shared what I was feeling with my wife because I needed her to understand before I said or did something stupid that I would regret. Not on purpose of course, but it seems almost inevitable with Aspergers that something is going to go wrong while interacting with others, especially when I am not feeling very well charged up.

I went to my room to read Psalm 25. In the midst of reading I began to question my role as a Christian living with Aspergers. Since the day I discovered my Aspergers I have never felt that it gave me special exemption from what God has called me to be as a husband and father. Many of us have formidable challenges in our flesh that must be overcome through faith. I began wondering today though if my thinking thus far has been incorrect about how I manage my Aspergers.

So far my wife and I have worked out a system of recognition where I am expected to give where and when I can but with the expectation that I will receive downtime in accordance with my need. Sometimes this cannot happen practically because life just gets in the way. I try to be very understanding of this and it has helped to stretch my muscles and learn how to give out of God's strength and not on my own. I still face many days where engaging in normalcy is too much to handle. As long as I am able to recognize where I am (which is often a struggle by itself) and I am able to tell my wife where I am at (sometimes another struggle because of my Asperger communication issues) then she is always understanding and willing to accommodate me.

That has been the norm so far. Today I am questioning if that is the right way to handle things. If I was missing an arm or had some other kind of physical deformity then I would be expected to take my lack to God and work with what he has given me otherwise. The line of what is mine to handle and what is God's seems easier when the challenge is physical. I would not be expected to waste my life moping about how I cannot do certain things because I am missing an arm, for instance. That would be what is mine to handle. God's part to handle is to give me strength or help at those times when my physical condition keeps me from doing what I am called to do.

It is harder to find that line when the condition is more of a brain issue. We have been given a new nature as Christians. We reside in a sinful flesh but our hearts have been given over to God. Aspergers is a condition of the flesh. I will not be an Asperger when I get to heaven. So in light of that, where does one draw the line between caring for a brain issue by recharging, and giving into hedonism. I think that is a real danger for the Aspie.

Recharging time means that I have permission to completely be an Aspie off by myself where I don't have to worry about social customs and guessing facial expressions. I don't have to engage in conversation and worry about how I am coming across or if I am misunderstanding what is being said. Recharge time is where I get to just be me without having to work. I can put my brain into automatic and just let life happen for awhile. This is a need. It is a reality for me.

Hedonism is when I seek all comforts and I get this picture in my head that it should be declared a holiday in my name because this is time that is due me. I have an expectation that my wife will handle everything and allow me this recharge time because I cannot cope without it. Any interruption becomes a sign of disrespect for my need. and an affirmation that she truly does not care about me.

It is easy to see how the latter attitude is sinful. How I handle this challenge to my fleshly nature is really the difference between being a Godly Aspie and being a slave to my flesh.

God help me to depend on your strength when my flesh cries out for attention.