I was reading a blog earlier today from a man who gives advice on love. One of his readers wrote "In this moment, if I truly loved myself, I would let go of this marriage and realize that I can’t fix him – and that The Uni-verse will take care of me if I do what’s best for myself and my children."
Now I would expect an expert on love to advise this person to go to counseling and attempt to save this marriage, or perhaps give some insight about what love looks like in this scenario. His response instead was "...When we choose to be in a relationship with someone who we do not accept, or who is unhealthy for us and we do not leave, it is not the other person’s fault, it is our own. On top of that, if we are constantly trying to fix someone else, we are looking at them with eyes of fear, not eyes of Love. The eyes of Love still see the imperfections of others, but they accept and embrace them. Love does not ask us to change, but meets us exactly where we are..."
Sadly, this blogger has no concept of what love is. Didn't we accept this person when we said "I do"? He was partially correct that the eyes of love will see the imperfections in others and still accept them, however, love does ask us to change. Love is never content with who we are but strives to become a better person. Love does not accept an abusive situation as a norm. Love does tell the abuser they must change. Here is the rub though, love tells the abuser to change for their sake, not our own. Love seeks the best for our mate. It is not loving to accept the drug abuser as they are. It is loving to tell them they must change. Love does meet them where they are but love does not let them stay there.
As I was reading this man's post I had to wonder about his readership. Who acted on his counsel and left their family? How many people could relate to some aspect of what he wrote? It is not hard to find a nugget of truth anywhere. The best lies are based on truth. His foundation for his worldview seems to be a form of Pantheism. The idea that the Uni-verse is the source of love and somehow has a will of it's own to take care of us. This sounds so much like the unknown god of ancient Greece. We recognize supernatural blessings and attribute them to anything that we can invent. Romans 1:25 "They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen."
The universe is a created thing. It has no will of its own. Love does not emanate from the rocks and trees, and yet blessings still seem to flow in the lives of those who do not believe in God. In my thinking, if God wanted to draw all men to Himself He would simply withhold His blessings from all of those who do not come to Him. This would establish Him as the great provider for all the world to see. All other false religions would fall. This is not what we see happening though. For some reason the rain falls on the good and the bad. Does this mean that there must be many ways to interpret a deity since blessings are associated with them all or even without a deity at all? No. Truth is still truth.
Suppose my children denied the existence of their parents (namely me and their mother) and instead believed that their cereal bowl was the source of their daily provision. Everyday I go and fill my child's bowl because I love them and want to sustain their life in hopes that they will one day recognize me. Even though my filling their bowl only reinforces their perception that the cereal bowl has yet again supplied their need. This is what we do when we attribute God's blessings to any other source.
I can only pray that the woman in the letter finds a better way to deal with her unhappiness. She will find the universe is a big, cold, empty place. The universe can not teach you how to love. Love comes from God because God is Love. This woman's problem is that she tried to find her source of love in her spouse. People will always fail you. When we are filled with God's love then we are able to let that love overflow into our marriage and it will never grow cold because it is no longer dependant on the actions of our spouse, but on the One who will never fail us. The universe cannot supply this love, only God can. What we attribute to the "Uni-verse" is just our own concept of love which pales by comparison to the real thing. Just like the moon cannot supply heat, only the sun can. The light of the moon is only a pale reflection of the real source of light.
I truly sympathize for this woman. An unhappy marriage can be a miserable experience. It can weigh you down, shorten your life, cause real damage to you and those around you. I have seen it this bad. I depended on my wife to make me happy. We seemed hopelessly incompatable, having drifted too far apart. Our only common vision was that we both wanted to please God, well that became my vision eventually. I had to first get over myself. That seems to be an ongoing theme in my life. Every piece I lose of "me" I seem to gain back in "us". I recognize that my wife is imperfect. She will fail me in surprising ways in our lifetime, and I have no doubt that I will surprise myself in the creative ways I find to fail her. The difference now is that I love my wife as an overflowing of my love for God. She loves me the same way. Our marriage doesn't seek happiness anymore, we now seek fulfillment. Happiness is a passing phase that is nice when it's around (which is a lot) but fulfillment lasts through the hard times. We still fail each other often but we are both more likely to react by seeking forgiveness rather than blame. May this woman find even greater fulfillment in her marriage through God.
These are my observations anyways.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
How am I doing?
I get asked this question a lot since my parents have died. I have different answers depending on who is asking.
To most acquaintances I answer "fine" because they are usually just asking to be polite but they either don't have the time to hear everything or they don't really want to hear. So I respect the social obligation of acknowledging their concern and extend the courtesy of letting them off the hook of having to hear the long sad story.
To extended family and others close to me I may offer a tidbit of an emotional response because I know they can relate but at the same time I am careful not to burden anyone with the heaviness of the pain.
To my wife and kids I share my pain with a healthy attitude while reassuring them that I am strong enough to feel this pain while maintaining our household.
To my pillow at night I feel sorrow that lays very heavy on my chest and takes my breath away.
I am unresolved about my parents dying. I am lost in life without a rudder. I am angry that I have been robbed of them. I am angry at God for circumstances beyond my control. I am angry at myself for circumstances within my control. I am angry at them for taking circumstances out of my control. I cant be strong all the time anymore. I didn't realize how much I was bottling this up. It has to come out in other ways than headaches and feeling run down all the time.
I trust Romans 8:28. It is life to me. My response to my circumstances may be all too human at times but I do know that God is in control, and that all things work together for my good. I am learning how to walk in the role of patriarch for my family. It is new territory for me. I am suddenly the go-to guy for my lineage. I have many siblings of course, but within the context of my downward lineage, I am the man. That is a role that I feel ill-equipped to walk in, but God thrives on working outside of our comfort zones.
I regret that I did not know my parents better. I was always waiting for my life to be better so I could feel like I had something worth showing them. It seems that my only relationship with them was either having them bail me out of a difficulty, or trying to reassure them that I am doing ok when I really wasn't. I know that was probably just in my own mind. My embarrassment around them probably fed resentment in them for only seeing me when I needed something. Truthfully, I just got tired of every conversation with them having to be about my finances. I wanted my relationship with them to be about more than money concerns.
Honestly, I don't mind being poor. I find humble surroundings kind of comforting actually. God has used these times to strengthen my faith in Him as Jevovah Jireh. I am grateful for how intimately I know this aspect of God.
My parents had different values. It's understandable that they wanted to be reassured of my financial success, not only for their peace of mind, but for the peace of their wallet. That fault lies with me. I ran to them far too often when I should have been waiting on God. No doubt God used my parents to accomplish His faithfulness but I can't help but wonder what my life spoke to them about who God is.
I wish I could know that they were able to respect me. I was able to build a better relationship with my Dad in the last 3 years before he died. We talked politics, computers, religion, and certain traits that we shared in common. He still bailed me out too often but he had a tenderness in the process that I had not seen in 38 years prior. It was wonderful building on this relationship with him. I was starting to see the "swell Mel" who was often talked about but never seen. But now that is gone. What I had with him will not be built upon. I was just starting to get to know this man for the first time in my life and now I am left with only the memory of what little I had with him.
My Mom and I had a hard time finding things to talk about. Phone conversations were always awkward. There was so much silence as we struggled for things to say. I am not sure why that was. Maybe we just had two very different personalities. Maybe we both wanted to talk about ourselves ad nausium but found no audience in each other. Whatever the case there is no going back to fix that relationship. It's not like I didn't want to be around her. I loved her. I just always felt like I was hard for her to tolerate.
I have a hope that I will see them again and that the reunion will be joyful. I don't harbor bad feelings about either of them. It was what it was. I am grateful for having known them.
SO, how am I doing?
I'm fine
I trust Romans 8:28. It is life to me. My response to my circumstances may be all too human at times but I do know that God is in control, and that all things work together for my good. I am learning how to walk in the role of patriarch for my family. It is new territory for me. I am suddenly the go-to guy for my lineage. I have many siblings of course, but within the context of my downward lineage, I am the man. That is a role that I feel ill-equipped to walk in, but God thrives on working outside of our comfort zones.
I regret that I did not know my parents better. I was always waiting for my life to be better so I could feel like I had something worth showing them. It seems that my only relationship with them was either having them bail me out of a difficulty, or trying to reassure them that I am doing ok when I really wasn't. I know that was probably just in my own mind. My embarrassment around them probably fed resentment in them for only seeing me when I needed something. Truthfully, I just got tired of every conversation with them having to be about my finances. I wanted my relationship with them to be about more than money concerns.
Honestly, I don't mind being poor. I find humble surroundings kind of comforting actually. God has used these times to strengthen my faith in Him as Jevovah Jireh. I am grateful for how intimately I know this aspect of God.
My parents had different values. It's understandable that they wanted to be reassured of my financial success, not only for their peace of mind, but for the peace of their wallet. That fault lies with me. I ran to them far too often when I should have been waiting on God. No doubt God used my parents to accomplish His faithfulness but I can't help but wonder what my life spoke to them about who God is.
I wish I could know that they were able to respect me. I was able to build a better relationship with my Dad in the last 3 years before he died. We talked politics, computers, religion, and certain traits that we shared in common. He still bailed me out too often but he had a tenderness in the process that I had not seen in 38 years prior. It was wonderful building on this relationship with him. I was starting to see the "swell Mel" who was often talked about but never seen. But now that is gone. What I had with him will not be built upon. I was just starting to get to know this man for the first time in my life and now I am left with only the memory of what little I had with him.
My Mom and I had a hard time finding things to talk about. Phone conversations were always awkward. There was so much silence as we struggled for things to say. I am not sure why that was. Maybe we just had two very different personalities. Maybe we both wanted to talk about ourselves ad nausium but found no audience in each other. Whatever the case there is no going back to fix that relationship. It's not like I didn't want to be around her. I loved her. I just always felt like I was hard for her to tolerate.
I have a hope that I will see them again and that the reunion will be joyful. I don't harbor bad feelings about either of them. It was what it was. I am grateful for having known them.
SO, how am I doing?
I'm fine
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
ADAM..and the big bang theory
I love media that talks about Aspergers. It is hopeful to me that the more we investigate and highlight aspects of it, the more informed we will come. That is the goal behind this blog actually. While it is cathartic to me to be able to write down what is going on in my head, it is also my hope that what I experience will contribute to a bigger picture of shared experiences among Aspies. Which brings me to ADAM, the movie. This is an independent movie about a man with Aspergers who is suddenly thrust into the world on his own by the death of his father. It discusses jobs, love, relationships, and basically highlights the additional difficulty that Aspies face when dealing with these already difficult scenarios. I enjoyed the movie. I thought it was fairly similar to my own experiences in life. I was able to relate to much of it. Except that Adam in the movie was not a christian. I don't really have a big problem with that because I don't expect Hollywood to use Christianity as part of the protagonist's struggle.
I also reluctantly enjoy watching The Big Bang Theory. I have to tell you out right though that there is a big part of it that I find very offensive and it is not a tv show that I can recommend with a clear conscience. It is assumed that one of the leading characters is an Aspie, though it has never been pointed out within the show.
These two examples of Aspergers in film got me thinking about a curiosity. I do visit many Asperger forums and interact with a number of other Aspies. Many of them are atheists. Not even agnostic, but outright atheist. There are a few of us Christian Aspies out here as well, praise God, and I am sure the ratio is probably on par with Christians in the NT world.
What has me wondering is why an Asperger would come to an atheistic conclusion about the world around them. Setting aside the issue of election, I am approaching this pondering from the human perspective. I know that I benefit from the gift of seeing the world around me through faith that has been given to me by God. I can easily say that if God said it, it must be so. But I do not have to rely on that alone, not by a long shot.
I ask myself why the Asperger would use his analytical mind and lack of emotional dependency to embrace scientific method and still come to the conclusion that there is no God.
Scientific method is the best way to understand the physical world around us. It utilizes all of our five senses. It does also limit us to our understanding of the world by only using our 5 senses. I am amazed by the arrogance of man to think that our body encompasses all we need in order to know everything. We have no way to verify that 5 senses are all that we need in order to know the world around us. What if there is more information in the world than what can be understood through our senses? I know this sounds like the beginning monologue of some cheesy 50's sci-fi show.
I believe that the Christian does sense a world beyond the physical, in fact many people, regardless of their faith, have had anecdotal experiences with the non-physical world. There is a strange sensation that I am aware of at times when I am meditating and praying with God. It is something that is difficult to describe. Early Christians referred to it as a quickening of the spirit, some call it the moving of the Holy Spirit, It is a sensation that I experience that wells up inside of me to the point of overflowing into worship and praise. Those who know me know that I am not a man of emotion. I do not purposefully seek emotional experiences even in my christian walk, but I can not deny that there is something tangible, yet elusive to my senses when I am in communion with God. I am trying hard not to use Christianise when describing this but it is hard to put it in common lingo. It is an uncommon experience.
I do not base my faith on the fact that I have some anecdotal, metaphysical experiences. I only mention it to say that I believe there is more to this world than can be understood by mere mortal human senses.
My difficulty with atheist Aspies is that it does not seem logical to me to look at the scientific data around us and conclude there is no God. Even assuming that our 5 senses are all we need to go by, we are still left with plenty of evidence that points to a creator. Every time I hear of some new discovery that seems to reinforce secular thinking I look at the same evidence and realize it actually reinforces my understanding of God.
Even using scientific method it seems easy for me to be able to point back to God as the designer of this world and everything within it. Early scientists looked to God as the source of all of creation. Newton, who is often cited as the greatest scientist, wrote more about Christian doctrine than he did about science. We don't have to resort to "God said it and that's all I need to know" as an answer to understanding the world around us. All of creation points back to God. Origins have been heavily studied by scientists over the past 150 years or so. I should say, the effects of origins have been studied. Christians and secularists both have the same scientific data to study and yet we come to very different conclusions. No one alive today witnessed the origin of the universe so one big requirement of scientific method is removed from the equation already. We are supposed to rely strongly on observation in order to establish proper scientific method. All we have available today are the results of what happened at the birth of the universe. This leaves verifiability unavailable as well. We are left at an educated guess, at best, in understanding how we all got here.
This again brings me back to the question of why logic and reasoning itself are not enough for aspies to embrace the knowledge of God. It takes a great leap of faith to believe that the universe is the result of random chance. Statisticians show the likelihood of the big bang resulting in me being able to blog on this laptop right now as being astronomical. We have the historicity of the Bible, archaeological evidence, the conscience, very real dilemmas with alternative theories, etc. When employing the limitations of scientific method, early scientists were consistently brought back to the reality of God. It might be argued that it was their worldview that skewed their interpretation of the facts, but the same is just as easily said about atheistic interpretations of data.
My belief in God is first of all a gift from God. He opened my eyes to let me see. Beyond that I also see very clearly how everything, and I mean everything, in this world points me back to God. My faith is strengthened by scientific method, not distracted by it. Logic and reason enhance my understanding of God, it doesn't invalidate it. I am sure that other Aspies look at me and wonder how I can believe in a God that they have concluded does not exist. I can only pity them that they are enslaved by their own blindness.
Matt 13:15 "For this people’s heart has grown dull, and with their ears they can barely hear, and their eyes they have closed, lest they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears and understand with their heart and turn, and I would heal them"
Romans 1:21 "For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened."
When one assumes that they can look within for the answer they deceive themselves. If I were lost and needed directions, I would be the last person to look to for the answer.
Mark 7:21 "For from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery,"
Admittedly, my writing is a bit disjointed on this post. I'm not always the best at communicating my thoughts. I guess ultimately I am trying to understand, from a secular perspective, how aspies can deny God after having actually invested real thought into the question. I might have an over-inflated appreciation for the aspie mind in thinking they, of all people, should be able to see God despite the darkness of man's heart but alas, unless God raises us up we are all desperately dead in our sins.
I do not base my faith on the fact that I have some anecdotal, metaphysical experiences. I only mention it to say that I believe there is more to this world than can be understood by mere mortal human senses.
My difficulty with atheist Aspies is that it does not seem logical to me to look at the scientific data around us and conclude there is no God. Even assuming that our 5 senses are all we need to go by, we are still left with plenty of evidence that points to a creator. Every time I hear of some new discovery that seems to reinforce secular thinking I look at the same evidence and realize it actually reinforces my understanding of God.
Even using scientific method it seems easy for me to be able to point back to God as the designer of this world and everything within it. Early scientists looked to God as the source of all of creation. Newton, who is often cited as the greatest scientist, wrote more about Christian doctrine than he did about science. We don't have to resort to "God said it and that's all I need to know" as an answer to understanding the world around us. All of creation points back to God. Origins have been heavily studied by scientists over the past 150 years or so. I should say, the effects of origins have been studied. Christians and secularists both have the same scientific data to study and yet we come to very different conclusions. No one alive today witnessed the origin of the universe so one big requirement of scientific method is removed from the equation already. We are supposed to rely strongly on observation in order to establish proper scientific method. All we have available today are the results of what happened at the birth of the universe. This leaves verifiability unavailable as well. We are left at an educated guess, at best, in understanding how we all got here.
This again brings me back to the question of why logic and reasoning itself are not enough for aspies to embrace the knowledge of God. It takes a great leap of faith to believe that the universe is the result of random chance. Statisticians show the likelihood of the big bang resulting in me being able to blog on this laptop right now as being astronomical. We have the historicity of the Bible, archaeological evidence, the conscience, very real dilemmas with alternative theories, etc. When employing the limitations of scientific method, early scientists were consistently brought back to the reality of God. It might be argued that it was their worldview that skewed their interpretation of the facts, but the same is just as easily said about atheistic interpretations of data.
My belief in God is first of all a gift from God. He opened my eyes to let me see. Beyond that I also see very clearly how everything, and I mean everything, in this world points me back to God. My faith is strengthened by scientific method, not distracted by it. Logic and reason enhance my understanding of God, it doesn't invalidate it. I am sure that other Aspies look at me and wonder how I can believe in a God that they have concluded does not exist. I can only pity them that they are enslaved by their own blindness.
Matt 13:15 "For this people’s heart has grown dull, and with their ears they can barely hear, and their eyes they have closed, lest they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears and understand with their heart and turn, and I would heal them"
Romans 1:21 "For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened."
When one assumes that they can look within for the answer they deceive themselves. If I were lost and needed directions, I would be the last person to look to for the answer.
Mark 7:21 "For from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery,"
Admittedly, my writing is a bit disjointed on this post. I'm not always the best at communicating my thoughts. I guess ultimately I am trying to understand, from a secular perspective, how aspies can deny God after having actually invested real thought into the question. I might have an over-inflated appreciation for the aspie mind in thinking they, of all people, should be able to see God despite the darkness of man's heart but alas, unless God raises us up we are all desperately dead in our sins.
Friday, November 19, 2010
I love you more
I love playing a game with my 7 year old. Games are best when they just seem to develop naturally without having to make them up. The idea is to outdo the other in describing and proving that we love the other more. He will say"I love you daddy". I retort with "I love you, more". To which he will come up with some extravagant description of exactly how big his love is for me. I have found that I can always trump him with "I love you, more". I am amused that he still tries to out trump me with even more extravagant descriptions involving compound infinities, distances of great time and space, heights unbelievable and depths that cannot be fathomed. In his mind it is still possible to out love me if he just exerts enough effort.
I think about how I am so much like this in my attitude towards God. I am sure that if I express myself to God in a certain way that I will have earned his attention. I think that if I am sorrowful enough for my sin, grateful enough for his grace, obedient enough to his command, diligent enough in my devotions, faithful enough in giving, then I will have proven my love and devotion to Him. Just when I think I have reached that point, Jesus stretches out His hands on the cross and says "I love you, More"
Trumped again.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
A lesson from Helen Keller
When Helen Keller was young she had no apparent means of communication. She could not hear and she could not see. I imagine the world was a big confusing place for her. She was prone to outbursts and very erratic behavior. I often wonder if she was lashing out because she misinterpreted what the world around her was saying to her. She eventually found someone who was willing to find a way to communicate with her despite Helen's very physical handicaps. The situation was unique. The normal methods of communication to the deaf and blind could not be used here as Helen suffered from both conditions. Her teacher devised a method of using sign language while having Helen feel the shape of her teacher's hands. It took many trials and a lot of patience before Helen finally caught on in a moment of epiphany.
I keep waiting for my moment of epiphany. I am not blind or deaf like Helen was but I do have a big communication problem. The world feels like a big scary place to me and I do not know how to communicate with those around me. I lash out in anger because I misunderstand what is being communicated to me. I tend to assume that people think the worst of me and how can I blame them? I come across as arrogant, rude, unsympathetic, selfish, and a myriad of other undesirable traits. It is not on purpose. It almost always catches me by surprise when it happens. It often goes something like this.
I enter a conversation innocently enough and offer my input on whatever the topic may be. I somehow say something that comes across as socially unacceptable. I will most likely have no clue what just happened and why the other person is suddenly enraged. I have learned to recognize that facial expression, I see it often enough. I may either catch on quickly and diffuse the situation by explaining myself more appropriately, or, more often, I do not recognize that the person is mad at me until a little while later in the conversation when they have given in to sarcasm and spite. At this point it looks like they have become offensive out of the blue and I too often return in anger.
I suspect that Helen Keller lashed out so often out of sheer frustration over her own lack of ability to properly express herself. I may be so quick to anger at these scenarios because they happen far too often and I am really lashing out at myself for my inability to express myself properly. Most days the frustration of not being understood is so overwhelming that I am content to become a hermit and live my days out in isolation. Let me explain that better...
I hate the idea of hurting anybody. My heart is so sensitive to it that I bend over backwards to make sure I say things in just the right manner. In writing I will often make several drafts before I am content to send my thoughts along. The more sensitive the subject, the more I sit on it until I am sure that any offense comes only from the subject matter and not from me. Some topics will hurt no matter how kindly you say it. I am not very good at speaking one on one. I can't keep track of the conversation in real time. I will normally stay silent because I need time to digest what is being said, even with the simplest of conversations. If I am required to respond in the conversation, that is when I usually get myself into trouble. I can only seem to keep track of small segments at a time. It is much more difficult if the specific topic changes throughout the conversation.
So I often respond poorly, or rudely, or insensitively, or any number of ways that do not come across well. I have been the source of some real hurt far too many times. I hate that I hurt people with my words. I hate that I cant trust myself to know what is going on in the conversation all the time. I get confused easily. I don't trust my feelings. I don't trust my opinions. I certainly don't trust my words. then all too often I lash out in anger because I just don't know what else to do. The conversation needs to end before I cause any further damage. Don't you understand? I am stopping the conversation for your own protection. I am a monster. I want to hide away like a hermit because I don't want to hurt anyone else with my reckless attempts to communicate with a world I don't understand.
Don't get me wrong here, I am not referring to any physical abuse here, but verbally I feel like the Hulk in a china shop. When I am at my end I tend to get spiteful and sarcastic with my words. I don't easily tap into my emotions so that is the way I have grown accustomed to retorting. I am now recognizing this pattern. It is not Godly. I am understanding now that it does not contribute to my desire to communicate effectively.
So I begin another uphill climb and I make some more baby steps towards learning how to express my words in conjunction with my thoughts. I think in pictures. A picture is worth a thousand words. I don't have that kind of time to describe what I am seeing in my head in the midst of a conversation.
I am so glad that God sees the heart. I would be hopeless if I could not communicate myself to Him. I am grateful that I do have someone to pour out my pain and frustration to who understands me right where I am. I look forward to the day when I will understand as I am understood. Even so Lord Jesus, come quickly.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Emphatic empathy
I have been trying to figure out how much my Aspergers plays into my trouble at work. My problem with my boss(es) is not unusual for me. I have come across this same scenario at other jobs. It seems improbable that I have gravitated to positions that are headed up by people who take an immediate disliking to me. It seems more reasonable to me that I am setting these people off somehow.
The one thought that crosses my mind is that I am not very empathetic. My lack of ability to read body language or facial expressions makes it very hard for me to understand and reciprocate proper emotions. What this means in real life is that I tend to sift through the emotion being displayed while I am being talked to and I focus on the message being relayed. If I am being reprimanded, it is possible that my apparent lack of contrition may be offending my boss. It isn't that I don't respect the emotional stress I have placed on them, it's just that I can't appreciate it. Anyone who knows me knows that I have a high respect for authority. I will follow my boss's direction so long as I clearly understand it. A display of emotion just gets in the way of me clearly understanding the message. I tend to just ignore that part of the information because I do not know what to do with it. I think I come across as cold hearted.
This has certainly been a stress point in my marriage. My wife, understandably, needs that expression of emotion. I do express emotion. I can have empathy but the method of understanding is different to me. I don't have the benefit of body language to fill in the gaps of information for me. Even vocal tones and inflections are usually lost on me. I can recognize some things because I have had enough experience to know what they sound like, for instance, I usually know what irritation in the voice sounds like. I hear that often enough to recognize it.
I communicate through the computer much more effectively. I can even be empathetic more easily when I am being told something by written word. Communicating through IM or Email puts us all on equal ground. We are both lacking the benefit of body language in that case. Emoticons are still a scourge on the scene but I can deal with those More easily than face to face. I have actually had chats with my wife over the computer while in the very same room with her. It works better for us sometimes. Much of what I learn about emotion is learned by movies or by novels. I seem to be able to empathize with characters when the scenarios are well presented. Unfortunately, real life rarely looks like other media.
Emotions are really confusing to me. How can the very same words evict laughter at one time and sadness at another time? The delivery may even be exactly the same. There are so many aspects that come into play when it comes to knowing what emotion is appropriate at what time. I actually like emotions, I mean I like to watch them. I used to love sitting on a bench and just watch people. Emotions fascinate me. If I am not expected to reciprocate to emotions, I can find their expression quite interesting. It is the interaction with emotions that is challenging to me.
Aspies do have feelings. I do have emotions. I can be very empathetic if I really understand the situation. It takes a lot to get me to really understand though. I do think I am also gifted in being able to stick to the issue at heart and not get easily sidetracked by whim and emotions. This can be a good thing if you have the goal of understanding truth in mind. It apparently is not a useful talent though when the goal is to hear what is in the heart behind the words.
I am sure you NT's know what that means, I have no clue myself.
*NT = Neural Typical, in other words, all you normal people.
The one thought that crosses my mind is that I am not very empathetic. My lack of ability to read body language or facial expressions makes it very hard for me to understand and reciprocate proper emotions. What this means in real life is that I tend to sift through the emotion being displayed while I am being talked to and I focus on the message being relayed. If I am being reprimanded, it is possible that my apparent lack of contrition may be offending my boss. It isn't that I don't respect the emotional stress I have placed on them, it's just that I can't appreciate it. Anyone who knows me knows that I have a high respect for authority. I will follow my boss's direction so long as I clearly understand it. A display of emotion just gets in the way of me clearly understanding the message. I tend to just ignore that part of the information because I do not know what to do with it. I think I come across as cold hearted.
This has certainly been a stress point in my marriage. My wife, understandably, needs that expression of emotion. I do express emotion. I can have empathy but the method of understanding is different to me. I don't have the benefit of body language to fill in the gaps of information for me. Even vocal tones and inflections are usually lost on me. I can recognize some things because I have had enough experience to know what they sound like, for instance, I usually know what irritation in the voice sounds like. I hear that often enough to recognize it.
I communicate through the computer much more effectively. I can even be empathetic more easily when I am being told something by written word. Communicating through IM or Email puts us all on equal ground. We are both lacking the benefit of body language in that case. Emoticons are still a scourge on the scene but I can deal with those More easily than face to face. I have actually had chats with my wife over the computer while in the very same room with her. It works better for us sometimes. Much of what I learn about emotion is learned by movies or by novels. I seem to be able to empathize with characters when the scenarios are well presented. Unfortunately, real life rarely looks like other media.
Emotions are really confusing to me. How can the very same words evict laughter at one time and sadness at another time? The delivery may even be exactly the same. There are so many aspects that come into play when it comes to knowing what emotion is appropriate at what time. I actually like emotions, I mean I like to watch them. I used to love sitting on a bench and just watch people. Emotions fascinate me. If I am not expected to reciprocate to emotions, I can find their expression quite interesting. It is the interaction with emotions that is challenging to me.
Aspies do have feelings. I do have emotions. I can be very empathetic if I really understand the situation. It takes a lot to get me to really understand though. I do think I am also gifted in being able to stick to the issue at heart and not get easily sidetracked by whim and emotions. This can be a good thing if you have the goal of understanding truth in mind. It apparently is not a useful talent though when the goal is to hear what is in the heart behind the words.
I am sure you NT's know what that means, I have no clue myself.
*NT = Neural Typical, in other words, all you normal people.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Nervous Wreck - The Aftermath
I'm not fired.
The issue of tardiness came up again and apparently the perception is that there has been no improvement in this area. I know that I have improved greatly because I made changes to my homelife and I watch the clock carefully while I am on the road. I pointed out to my boss that I am not the only one among us 6 who take liberties with the start time.
Let me explain something here; As an Asperger, I have a very strong sense of justice and making sure that all things are equal for everyone. It is something that grabs me so strongly that I can be in the wrong about it. I am reminded of my Asperger son who could not stand to lose a game when he was very young. He would cry foul immediately and ruin the experience for not only the winner, but for all participants. He has out grown this but I know that ill-applied sense of justice is still a struggle that he is admirably fighting. I struggle with the same thing. In my case I have trouble seeing others around me experience liberties that should be available to all if they are available to them, unless there is a clear reason to me why they are exempt from the standard I am held to. When s police car speeds by me with lights flashing, I clearly understand that he is held to a different standard than I am with regards to the speed limit. When I see my fellow workers taking liberties (including my pseudo-boss) I struggle with the idea that I cannot relax on my start time. And let me also be clear here that we are talking under 5 minutes, if it happens at all. This isn't me coming in 15 minutes late here.
Ok, having said that I do understand that I am to work as unto the Lord and that is a higher standard that I AM held to that my fellow workers are not held to. I should have compassion that they are not held to that standard for that means they also do not share in the giver of that standard.
I will endeavor to get to work on time without fail but this is an area that is a huge struggle for me that I need to really be on my knees about. I know the kneejerk reaction is to say "just do it. What's the big deal?" I wish I could come up with an answer to that. If I knew why this is such a struggle for me, I suspect I could easily remedy it. This is a frequency of about 4-5 times a month by my estimation but I am learning not to trust my estimations.
The second thing that was brought up was a big surprise to me. Apparently my troubleshooting skills "scare" my pseudo-boss. He actually used the word scare. He brought up an example of a time when I had to press a bearing onto a shaft. I remarked that I didn't think it was going to fit on properly and suggested we look at the shaft to see if there was something wrong with it. After looking at it again it was clear that it would indeed fit on correctly. This was the example that scared him. My thinking is that I am only guilty of talking out loud while I troubleshoot. It's not like I wouldn't have come to the same conclusion on my own. He has said often that my troubleshooting scares him and he also says that he has heard the same thing from some of my fellow workers.
This is the part that blows me away. I can only assume that I have been blinded by my Aspergers into thinking more of myself than I was due. I have been fixing my own cars since I was in high school, I have an alphabet worth of certifications after my name for computers, I enjoy troubleshooting. Some days I am the hero, some days I am the zero. That's just the way I thought it always goes. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I am just not good at this either. But if that is the case then where does that leave me? I have grown to distrust my own thoughts because my Aspergers always makes them suspect to a false bias.
I grew up with a devoted mother who always told me that I was going to do something amazing one day. I believe she said this uniquely to me out of my siblings. I don't think it was just one of those motherly things that they say. She really believed that I was going to do something amazing someday. She also commented often about how smart I was and in fact I did get tested when I was in junior high and in the area of comprehension I tested at genius level. I am actually a certified genius. I say that tongue in cheek but it speaks to the way I thought about myself growing up. I didn't have an inflated ego about it, it was just a matter of fact to me. So in light of that I am having a hard time understanding how i could have fallen so far from that place. I have based everything I ever planned in life as a career on the basis that it would be an intellectual venture. Now I can't even trust my own mind. My Mom was wrong. I am not extraordinary. I am merely unique...just like everybody else.
If I am really not a good troubleshooter then what is left for me? I have easily had 4 dozen jobs in my life. I have still to find a good fit for me. When a man's work is his identity, where does this leave me? I still don't know who I am. I am 41 years old and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I am not dissatisfied with my job. I am just apparently not very good at it.
I am growing weary of my Aspergers. I hate this struggle. I resent having to work so hard just to understand the world around me. I see everyone else interacting like they have been doing it all their lives and I think it is unequal. The cry for equality and justice screams inside me. I want to understand facial expressions too. I want to know sarcasm from honesty too. I want to know which emotion goes with what feeling too. It isn't fair. I want to cry out "Oh wretched man that I am. Why have you made me thus?".
But I already know the answer to that one. God's response was pretty thorough in Job. So I accept that this is who I am, and I accept that this is intended to glorify God somehow. I feel so broken right now.
Lord use my weakness
The midnight shift is here to relieve me now....3 minutes late
The issue of tardiness came up again and apparently the perception is that there has been no improvement in this area. I know that I have improved greatly because I made changes to my homelife and I watch the clock carefully while I am on the road. I pointed out to my boss that I am not the only one among us 6 who take liberties with the start time.
Let me explain something here; As an Asperger, I have a very strong sense of justice and making sure that all things are equal for everyone. It is something that grabs me so strongly that I can be in the wrong about it. I am reminded of my Asperger son who could not stand to lose a game when he was very young. He would cry foul immediately and ruin the experience for not only the winner, but for all participants. He has out grown this but I know that ill-applied sense of justice is still a struggle that he is admirably fighting. I struggle with the same thing. In my case I have trouble seeing others around me experience liberties that should be available to all if they are available to them, unless there is a clear reason to me why they are exempt from the standard I am held to. When s police car speeds by me with lights flashing, I clearly understand that he is held to a different standard than I am with regards to the speed limit. When I see my fellow workers taking liberties (including my pseudo-boss) I struggle with the idea that I cannot relax on my start time. And let me also be clear here that we are talking under 5 minutes, if it happens at all. This isn't me coming in 15 minutes late here.
Ok, having said that I do understand that I am to work as unto the Lord and that is a higher standard that I AM held to that my fellow workers are not held to. I should have compassion that they are not held to that standard for that means they also do not share in the giver of that standard.
I will endeavor to get to work on time without fail but this is an area that is a huge struggle for me that I need to really be on my knees about. I know the kneejerk reaction is to say "just do it. What's the big deal?" I wish I could come up with an answer to that. If I knew why this is such a struggle for me, I suspect I could easily remedy it. This is a frequency of about 4-5 times a month by my estimation but I am learning not to trust my estimations.
The second thing that was brought up was a big surprise to me. Apparently my troubleshooting skills "scare" my pseudo-boss. He actually used the word scare. He brought up an example of a time when I had to press a bearing onto a shaft. I remarked that I didn't think it was going to fit on properly and suggested we look at the shaft to see if there was something wrong with it. After looking at it again it was clear that it would indeed fit on correctly. This was the example that scared him. My thinking is that I am only guilty of talking out loud while I troubleshoot. It's not like I wouldn't have come to the same conclusion on my own. He has said often that my troubleshooting scares him and he also says that he has heard the same thing from some of my fellow workers.
This is the part that blows me away. I can only assume that I have been blinded by my Aspergers into thinking more of myself than I was due. I have been fixing my own cars since I was in high school, I have an alphabet worth of certifications after my name for computers, I enjoy troubleshooting. Some days I am the hero, some days I am the zero. That's just the way I thought it always goes. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I am just not good at this either. But if that is the case then where does that leave me? I have grown to distrust my own thoughts because my Aspergers always makes them suspect to a false bias.
I grew up with a devoted mother who always told me that I was going to do something amazing one day. I believe she said this uniquely to me out of my siblings. I don't think it was just one of those motherly things that they say. She really believed that I was going to do something amazing someday. She also commented often about how smart I was and in fact I did get tested when I was in junior high and in the area of comprehension I tested at genius level. I am actually a certified genius. I say that tongue in cheek but it speaks to the way I thought about myself growing up. I didn't have an inflated ego about it, it was just a matter of fact to me. So in light of that I am having a hard time understanding how i could have fallen so far from that place. I have based everything I ever planned in life as a career on the basis that it would be an intellectual venture. Now I can't even trust my own mind. My Mom was wrong. I am not extraordinary. I am merely unique...just like everybody else.
If I am really not a good troubleshooter then what is left for me? I have easily had 4 dozen jobs in my life. I have still to find a good fit for me. When a man's work is his identity, where does this leave me? I still don't know who I am. I am 41 years old and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I am not dissatisfied with my job. I am just apparently not very good at it.
I am growing weary of my Aspergers. I hate this struggle. I resent having to work so hard just to understand the world around me. I see everyone else interacting like they have been doing it all their lives and I think it is unequal. The cry for equality and justice screams inside me. I want to understand facial expressions too. I want to know sarcasm from honesty too. I want to know which emotion goes with what feeling too. It isn't fair. I want to cry out "Oh wretched man that I am. Why have you made me thus?".
But I already know the answer to that one. God's response was pretty thorough in Job. So I accept that this is who I am, and I accept that this is intended to glorify God somehow. I feel so broken right now.
Lord use my weakness
The midnight shift is here to relieve me now....3 minutes late
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